The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
