I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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