can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
