yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
