im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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