I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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