I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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