Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
