its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
