I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
