thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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