I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
