for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
