So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Did I show you my penis last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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