Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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