Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
