I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
