I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
