The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
