i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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