If i come over, it means nothing
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
