I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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