remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
