I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
