I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
