I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
