I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
