his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
