I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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