I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
