So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
