you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
