Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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