This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
