sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Boobs speak an international language.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
