in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
