i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
