I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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