Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
