I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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