btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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