we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
