So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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