About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
