So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
