Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
