you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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