i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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