Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
