The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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