Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if only i could text you this smell
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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