dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
